Therefore, we reserve the right to judge any and every album in the history of recorded music based solely on the images that inhabit that album’s cover. Today, we pass judgment on For Your Entertainment by Adam Lambert.

Luis: I feel like it’s 1985 again because my penis is very confused as to whether it should be standing at attention or cowering in fear of this he-she. …

Also because I was a baby in 1985 and most things confused me back then. I believe that if you traveled back to 1985 and showed me this album cover I would have expressed my displeasure by pooping on myself.

Adam: If Ruben Studdard swallowed Clay Aiken whole and then took a dump two hours later and that dump was shot off into space, this is what that dump would look like.

Luis: Without having heard a single track from the album I can assume that there’s probably going to be a lot of laser sounds and references to interplanetary traveling vessels, all of which will somehow be squeezed in to rhyme schemes involving thinly veiled metaphor about the hardships of banging another dude while floating in a zero-G environment.

Fortey: Actually, all the songs in some way relate to a giant, tranny head in space. AM I RIGHT?!?!?!?!?

Fortey: Naturally, if you’re talking giant space heads you’re getting into the territory of the original Transformers movie, featuring Unicron who was voiced by Orson Welles. If anyone wants to make a joke about what “rosebud” means, now’s the time.

Adam: I think it

Fortey: It’s a pretty clear reference to anus is what it is.

Adam: Right.

Luis: I was under the impression that this guy lost American Idol. How did he still get the grand prize of becoming the Star Child that will represent humanity in the pan-galactic all male humanoid revue? Having an intergalactic cross dresser win American Idol was way more controversy than Fox was willing to deal with.

Luis: I’ll never understand the politics behind the pan-galactic all male humanoid revue.

Fortey: This album cover seems kind of threatening. Look at space in the background, those gas clouds and the light. On Star Trek, this giant Lambert head would be moments away from holding the Enterprise in place with some manner of gay tractor beam and then thoroughly probing Spock’s mind. And probably a few ensigns would die in the process.

Luis: The crazy thing about it is that the picture was actually taken in space. The shutter snapped at the precise moment Adam Lambert realized that there’s no oxygen in space and that humans can’t eat dark matter. It would make things way easier, discretion wise.

Luis: That’s not the kind of suck I was referring to, but you’re totally right.

Fortey: The other creepy thing (of which there are obviously many) is that vague, tiny bit of neck flesh that seems to indicate Lambert would be naked if he weren’t disembodied. For whatever nefarious, nude, intergalactic crimes he’s committing, he wants the inter-dimensional tranny vice squad to know it’s him and maybe put a stop to him once and for all since he can’t stop himself.

Adam: Well that’s creepy.

Fortey: Actually, the creepiest thing is the massive airbrushing that seems to have taken place. It’s like we’re witnessing what would happen if Adam Lambert were present at the Big Bang with an infinite number of copies of Photoshop, and they all merged into one massive, over-edited photo-op.

Adam: We, as a website, could do all kinds of comedy damage with Photoshop skills like those on our side.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009 at 12:15 am and is filed under All music . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.